Liver Sausage and Ramen Noodles

I have found that certain words or phrases can trigger memories and spark discussion. Some pleasant, some not. Some can take a conversation in many different directions.

For example, when I hear the word “stitches”, the feeling of a needle puncturing my tongue comes to mind, having nearly bitten it off after going down a toboggan slide. In the summer. With a closed sign bolted to the bottom. Face vs Sign. Face lost.

“Pregnant.” Before July 5, 1986, the day I got married, it was a word that was pretty darn feared. After that date, it sounded pretty darn cool.

Accordingly, three words heard in sequence three times elicit sheer joy in me. “It’s a boy!” Three of the best days of my life.

“Cubs” and “win the World Series.” For over a hundred years, words never seen together. Frustration. Anguish. Anger. George Mitterwald. Leon Durham. Mick Kelleher. Words connected to those words.

“Cubs win World Series.” Anxiety. Exhilaration. Relief. Parties. Parades. Anthony Rizzo. Kris Bryant. Aroldis Chapman. Words connected to those words.

I often hear the word “vacation” from my wife. Did I say often? An orchestra of ringing cash registers plays non-stop in the background.

There are words that have become ingrained into our everyday culture that did not mean anything until a few years ago. Facebook, Uber, Smart phone, tablet, Netflix. For some, it’s hard to imagine life without them.

Some words harken a memory in hi-definition. Or a scent that brings back a moment with someone special. A touch still felt in the fingertips. Words can stimulate the senses.

Like liver sausage and ramen noodles.

A char-broiled, perfectly seasoned medium rare filet mignon topped with melting garlic butter and sauteed mushrooms would say, “Really?”

For me, they invoke distinct memories of being young. And the promise made to myself that once there was enough money in my wallet, I would never eat it again. Ever.

Why would someone introduce this into the food chain? It’s possible that there is a government cover up here. Russians? Transylvanians? Not sure. But I demand a full investigation.

Start with liver sausage.

I can still picture it in our refrigerator. It’s an odd little sort. Squatty and squashy.

In a Brady Bunch world of meat, liver sausage is cousin Oliver. It may technically be part of the family, but it doesn’t fit in, bear any resemblance, or have the same likability as the others. As if all good meat ideas were spent, liver sausage was a last-ditch effort to try to infuse life into it.

Many people cannot even stand the thought of eating liver. Then someone with either no food knowledge, or a NASA level of it, downgrades it to look, smell and feel different. It gets packaged in a peculiar wrapper that pinches at both ends.

Voila! Spreadable sausage. Braunschweiger finds its way into millions of homes. Move over bologna. Move over hot dogs, Cousin Oscar Mayer has arrived. Maybe because of its friendly, peanut butter-like application, hidden between slices of bread, you don’t think about what’s in it? But no one ever charges to the fridge hoping for that last bite of it, like with other leftovers.

Moving on to the science experiment known as ramen noodles. Makes liver sausage look like health food.

Ramen noodles invokes a remembrance of a big building with cinder block walls and a cold tile floor, whose inhabitants actually want to spend time inside bars. Not jail, but my freshman dorm room in college. A huge bag full of beef flavored Oodles of Noodles brought from home lasted an entire year. Looking back, I’m certain this was the sole reason for diminished brain cells and therefore, disappointing grades.

So cheap and convenient. Just boil and eat. Quick and tasty.

Except it’s not quite like eating an apple a day. It contains something called Tertiary-butyl hydroquinone, a preservative that is a petroleum industry byproduct. Pretty sure this is not good for you. If you’re pining for a metabolic change linked to heart disease, diabetes, and stroke, you’ve come to the right place.

Incredibly high in sodium, an impressive number of calories, and plenty of saturated fat, all stuffed inside such a cute little package. Oh, wait, even the packaging is unhealthy. Apparently, carcinogens, hormone disruptors and food containers aren’t a good combination.

Now, I’m sure there will be folks reading this that say how much they love liver sausage and/or ramen noodles. Not just because it fits into a budget very nicely, but because they truly enjoy it. To them - Bon Appetit’!

Of course, there are lots of foods that are not exactly high quality, nutritious products. Frankly, if eaten only occasionally, neither liver sausage nor ramen noodles would likely make you explode. Both items had a significant place in my culinary past. But like puberty, beer bongs, and big sideburns, I’d like to keep them there.

This column originally appeared in the Times, a Shaw publication.