There’s Nothing Fun about a Salad

I was looking out my back window and noticed a rabbit eating grass next to our deck. He seemed to be enjoying it. I suppose he might also eat some other kinds of things growing in the yard, such as vegetables or plants. Weeds? Wishful thinking. Hard to tell. He didn’t say much.

There is not really a great menu for rabbits. I have never seen the Jimmy John’s delivery guy speed by the house and drop off an order of sandwiches under the deck. Never seen a family of rabbits at a drive-through window. Or at Sunday brunch.

As far as I can tell, rabbits and other animals that eat vegetation have no choice but to eat vegetation. For them, it is not a big deal.

However, when you are accustomed to eating really good food, a doctor says your weight, blood pressure, and triglycerides are too high, plus your HDL and LDL are out of whack, then strongly urges you to change right now, it becomes a big deal. Right now.

You start reading labels and quickly come to realize that every food ever invented is bad for you. Then you check the internet and become certain that everything is killing you.

Then there is no choice, just like being a rabbit. You must sacrifice eating the good stuff for the food that is going to make you healthier. The fried bologna sandwich with mustard, mayo and pepper jack cheese, microwavable tater tots, package of Ding Dongs and a 2-liter pop for lunch gets traded for a fresh garden salad.

And you know what’s fun about that salad? Nothing.

Wait, salad lovers, I know there are all kinds of goodness in a salad. Admittedly, they can taste good and chicken Caesar salad has become near and dear to me. Food like tomatoes, cheese and meat, and dozens of salad dressings are regularly added, which helps disguise the taste. There are all kinds of lettuce but in the end, they’re still leaves. The local rabbit may love it, but it just does not compare to an all-you-can eat pizza buffet.

So, let’s face it, it’s no fun. Plus, if you try to make it fun by adding said ingredients, the less healthy it becomes. What a quandary.

You know what’s fun? A huge, glistening gyro, nestled comfortably in warm pita bread, lathered in so much tzatziki sauce and onions that the smell oozes out of your pores at night. Or a double cheeseburger with ketchup and onions, a waterfall of Cheddar cascading down the sides, with a double order of crisp onion rings, and a strawberry milkshake. How about a grilled, juicy, Chicago style smoked Polish sausage served on a poppy seed bun with a bag of salty, seasoned fries and a grape pop? Now, that’s fun!

Honestly, if bacon grew in the garden next to carrots, what do you think Bugs would go for? Bacon on anything is fun. A blast. Bacon on a sandwich, bacon in beans, bacon in potatoes, bacon wrapped cocktail weenies, or meat wrapped meat as we call them. Bacon in a bloody Mary. Bacon coated watermelon. Bacon grease milk. Baconade sports drink. Just bacon. Have a bacon party and you instantly become the cool kid.

Let’s not ignore dinner. Beef burritos bigger than your head and rows of enchiladas, politely lined up with sizzling peppers and grilled onion, wading in a rich cheese sauce, with avocado, refried beans and Spanish rice waiting to dive in. That’s a fiesta. A tray of fresh Lasagna packed with spicy sausage, ricotta cheese, and thick tomato gravy with fresh bread, real butter, and a bottle of Chianti. Mangia. Cent Anni! A bacon-wrapped filet mignon, blood rare, seasoned with kosher salt, cracked pepper, and minced garlic, with its partner, the loaded baked potato, covered in cheese, sour cream, butter, chives, and of course, bacon. Bring in Van Halen, folks, we’re in full swing now.

Finish strong with a scoop of all 31 flavors from Baskin Robbins. Perhaps put a few dozen over your favorite slice of pie. Generously pile on Cool Whip, sprinkles, and peanut butter M&M’s, drop into a deep fryer, roll in powdered sugar, dip in a tub of melted chocolate, cover in pretzel crumbs, and chocolate chip cookie dough, bake, cool, freeze, slice and serve over a bed of Frango mints. Wash it down with a French vanilla cinnamon caramel hazelnut toffee mocha latte. Vegas, baby!

And, please, if you’re having a birthday party for your one-year-old, let the kid shove his or her face into a three-layer, buttercream filled chocolate frosted, chocolate cake. Because you know how much fun it is to shove your face into a bowl of kale with organic sesame seeds and citrus vinaigrette?

No fun.

This column originally appeared in the Times, a Shaw publication.