The Male Shopper

Another season of intense shopping has passed. Malls and strip centers now recover like fighters after a main event.

In retrospect, it is a perfect time to observe shoppers in their natural, and for some, their unnatural, habitat. However, if you are interested in participating in a post-holiday social experiment, simply look around at the male shoppers the next time you get to the store.

Recent visits on my own accord have led to some conclusions about the male shopper. We are varied. We are both predictable and unpredictable. We would often rather not be shopping.

To better understand us and potentially find a cure, several types of male shoppers have been identified. Continued analysis may discover more.

The Sub: This is the guy who has been sent to the store by his wife because she is too busy to go. He looks lost, desperately clutching a list. He stops at every aisle in the grocery store, head on a swivel, constantly looking left, then right. He gets frustrated, wondering why the condensed milk is not by the chocolate milk. He may find solace in the beer section or make an unnecessary purchase of beef jerky as comfort.

The Follower: You are guaranteed to see one on every trip. This guy is monumentally uninterested in being in the store. Using a highly specialized boredom defense technique, he shuts off his brain to a near-comatose state. He walks mindlessly, silently, and without expression directly behind his partner. If there is a sudden stop, he’s stepping on heels. No matter what question is asked, his response is always, “Huh?”

The Agenda Guy: No fun on vacation, this man plans things out to the second. He’s okay with the shopping experience, as long as it sticks to the schedule. If the “can we make one more stop?” question comes up unexpectedly, he completely freaks out. He is the one who rams the cart into the other carts at the return. This couple can be heard arguing in the car.

The In and Outer: He only wants one thing. Goes directly to that aisle, picks it out, pays like the store is on fire and walks rapidly back to the car. You might see him, but he won’t see you.

The Scooter Guy: You knew him as the seven-year-old who had to ride on the front of the cart when his mom shopped. Well, he is grown up and is now a dad. His small child is sitting in the cart, facing him. He has one foot on the bottom rack and pushes the cart with the other while making stupid faces at the kid, who is having a blast. The cart often runs into people, displays, shelves, etc. His wife scolds him, but it doesn’t do any good.

The Hollywood Kind of Guy: Dressed in a burgundy turtleneck and camel hair overcoat, this guy looks perfect all the time. Smells good. Perfect teeth. Great skin. He is into appearances and wants his say in her clothes purchases. Very knowledgeable about fashion. Drives a two-seat, hunter green car, yet even when the top is down, his finely coiffed hair never gets messed up. Other guys don’t like him.

The Patient Guy in the Chair: Seen at every department store, The Patient Guy in the Chair gave up hope on quick visits years ago. He has been together with his spouse for a long time and sees no use in complaining about being there. Store managers know his type, setting up chairs to sit and wait so his wife can try on the twenty-third blouse without feeling rushed. He often falls asleep, but the promise of getting food on the way home keeps him motivated.

The Labrador Running in a Field Guy: Easily distracted, you better have a cell phone when out with him because he is guaranteed to peel off on his own without notice. It may be in the middle of a conversation, and you might not notice this for several aisles, but he disappears and cannot be found for fifteen minutes. Eventually, you find him admiring a belt sander like it’s a pot of gold.

The Blackhawks are on at 6 Guy: This guy knows that a shopping purchase is going to take place, but his favorite team is playing and absolutely nothing could prevent him from being in front of the TV.

His mindset can be made into a country song:

I don’t care what you buy.

I don’t care what it looks like.

I don’t care where you put it.

I don’t care how much it costs.

Just don’t make me go with you.

Perhaps you know some of these guys? At times, many of us have been a few of them. We want to be better at shopping, but it is not as easy as it seems. So, for now, please do not get mad when we bring home the quick-rise yeast instead of the active dry yeast. We will happily stick to the home improvement section and buy another socket wrench.

This column originally appeared in the Times, a Shaw publication.