Life Down the Cereal Aisle

Take a walk down the cereal aisle at the grocery store. There are fascinating things going on there that you might not have noticed. However, we have grown so accustomed to such a mundane activity that the dynamics don’t register anymore. But make no mistake, each step is a snapshot in time and the manufacturers have wisely packaged and promoted their products accordingly.

This is really the timeline aisle. And your life is in full display.

Look closely as you enter. A kaleidoscope of bright colors, quirky images, and seemingly endless choices means that you have entered the youth section. It has a Disneyland feel. Try to find your selection quickly, looking up and down, left and right, back and forth a few times and it’s dizzying.

The boxes call out to you. “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids”. “Can’t get enough of super Sugar Crisp”. “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Cuckoo for Coco Puffs.” They may even take you back to an early Saturday morning, when you watched cartoons in your pajamas just after sunrise.

Continue down the row. You’re not in Ireland, and it’s not even St. Patrick’s Day, yet a charming leprechaun juggles pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, and green clover marshmallows, singing that they are “magically delicious”.

A few more steps. In the background there is a faint but distinct sound. Three little guys with pointed ears urge you to put your head near a bowl and listen to the snap, crackle, and pop. Admit it – you have done this. More than once.

A toucan named Sam suggests that you “Follow your nose”. A tiger named Tony belts out, “They’re great”! You have not entered the Twilight Zone. This is not a David Lynch movie. It is, though, a time of fun and simplicity. Bugs Bunny dominated the spotlight.

Within a few short steps, decades on the timeline pass as you reach the “healthy” area. The land of the sugarless, or semi-sweetened, at best. It’s like leaving Mardi Gras for a parent-teacher meeting after junior posted something inappropriate. No catchy jingles here. Granola and grains. Barley and bran. Cracked wheat. Muesli. Kashi (not sure if you eat it or visit it).

Goodbye Count Chocula. Bon voyage Cap’n Crunch. You’ve pushed the cart into adulthood.

Say hello to guys like Euell Gibbons.

Remember Euell Gibbons? Decades ago, he was a huge proponent of eating natural foods and became the pitch man for Grape Nuts, which to this day, has somehow escaped major scandal as they are made of neither grapes or nuts. Regardless, he famously asked, “You ever try eating a pine tree? Most parts are edible.” No. Most humans have not, mainly because eating a tree is a bad idea. However, I have tried eating Grape Nuts. All due respect to Euell, who died at age 64, but have you ever tried eating a bowl of gravel?

So, you train yourself to palate Raisin Bran. At least the raisins are sweet. Wheaties and Cheerios, (especially honey and nuts) with fruit is a winner. Honey Bunches of Oats does not sound exciting but is pretty good too. Maybe we can learn to live with this after all?

In no time, you reach the end of the journey. The barren, tasteless depths of farina and high fiber mixes await you. If taste could be an image, the landscape of Mars comes to mind. Sure, you can buy the kind that is flavored or add butter or cinnamon or chocolate chips or bacon or a Denver omelet, but that ultimately defeats the purpose. You must be strong. The next cholesterol check is looming.

This is the stuff that’s good for you. Ugh. Mikey, from the Life commercial, would not like it.

Eventually, you see the guy in his mid-40’s, astutely reading labels. He is new at this. Looks more concerned than hungry. You quietly offer words of encouragement. “You’ll get used to it, brother. Hang in there.” He forces a grin, but the lone tear trickling down his cheek suggests that he really wants a box of Apple Jacks to keep the doctor away.

You’ve stopped here, not by choice, but by order. The voice filling your head in this area is not from a cute cartoon or whimsical tune but that of your gastroenterologist. Unfortunately, the snap of his glove does not invoke the same fond memory as the snap from Rice Krispies. You long to take a few steps back, for that big bowl of sweetness and sometimes a useless prize, but the beginning of the aisle is now but a distant memory.

Time to grab some chips and dip. Hopefully they have low-fat guacamole.

This column originally appeared in the Times, a Shaw publication.