Just Give Me a Bud, bud

“From the land of sky-blue waters. Waters. Comes the beer refreshing. Comes the beer refreshing. Hamms.” Hard to forget that jingle.

I was channel surfing the other night and landed on a 1940’s era western movie. It was filled with tough guys. Cowboy hats. Side holsters. Horses. Spurs. Dirt-soaked men that desperately needed a bath but had a mouthful of dust from the searing plains and wanted a saloon stop first.

One of these guys got off his horse. He looked like a bad guy, certainly feared, and slowly pushed open the swinging doors of the bar. His cold, squinty eyes scanned the room as sweaty necks twisted to see what he would do. He kept one hand on his six-shooter, ready to draw in an instant. The bar became quiet as he methodically approached a nervous barkeep, bootsteps thundering on the old wood floor.

In a gravelly, coarse voice, he said through a thick mustache, “Get me a Dogfish Head Namaste White. It’s brewed with dried organic orange flesh and peel, fresh cut lemongrass, a bit of coriander, peppercorns, and a healthy dose of good karma.”

John Wayne would not be proud. In fact, he probably would have pulled out his shotgun and blown the guy’s head off on the spot.

It seems like no matter where you go to buy beer, the shelves have been populated by brands you never heard of. Wolf Pup, Tocayo Hominy White Ale, Swivelhead Red, Gluten free New Grist Pilsner, with water, sorghum, rice, hops and yeast. What the heck is sorghum and how did it get in the beer?

Welcome to the craft beer generation. Better pay attention because it is growing in popularity and has made huge strides in the overall percentage of beer sales. Small independent brewers looking to carve out their own brand.

You can start with an IPA, or India Pale Ale, the favorite child. It is often higher in alcohol content and much more hoppy tasting than the “usual beers.” Brewers boast a fresh aroma, like citrus, pine. or flower. (So does Glade but I don’t want to drink it.) Or order a flight, starting with light beer and gradually getting darker with each glass. Typically served in petite glasses on a rustic board. Very pretty colors. Catchy names. Cute.

Ah, for the usual beers. Let us not forget them. The King. The beer that made Milwaukee famous. The champagne of beers. Silver Bullets.

Our grandfathers drank them. Our dads drank them. We did too. Many of us still do. In fact, when my family goes on our annual trip to Minocqua, Wisconsin, we have shown that we can really expand our beer horizons. What was once a fridge full of Budweiser, is now full of Budweiser, Bud Light, and Bud Light Lime. We always leave room for one Miller 64 in case someone needs to wash their hands.

Anyway, no Bad Frog. No Tangerine Express. No Half Acre Lead Feather. No Arrogant Bastard Ale (seriously, I did not make this up).

So how do you walk down an aisle full of beer you never heard of and expect to get something you like? Short of sampling all of them (not a bad idea if you have lots of time and money). Do I have to Google Big Nasty Mama’s Nasty Old Brown Jug Maple Spiced Nasty Brew or The Dead Lake’s on Fire Clumpy Swill Juice (I made those up) before purchase? Plus, I am not paying $49 for an unknown six-pack, even if Fuel Café Stout Beer is brewed with coffee, organic malted barley, organic hops, and organic coffee beans. (I did not make that up).

For years, Old Style has boasted about being fully krausened, though I’m not sure anyone knows what that means. Yet they have sold a lot of beer. Olympia claims to be brewed by mythical Artesians. Bud is beechwood aged. Busch suggests you head for the mountains. Back in the day, Billy Dee Williams made Colt 45 look cool and Old Milwaukee declared that it just doesn’t get any better than this! Who were we to argue?

Even Laverne and Shirley, well known Milwaukee natives, worked in the Shotz Brewery, a certain homage to Schlitz. And when you’re out of Schlitz, you’re out of beer. Unless you had a Schlitz Tall Boy. That lasted a while longer.

There was Meister Brau, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Stroh’s, Drewery’s, Edelweiss, and Falstaff, with a brewery in my old neighborhood just off the Chicago Skyway, just to name a few. Harry Carey pitched this beer in his years as a White Sox announcer. Then he moved across town and became a Cub fan and a Bud man. You can argue about the teams, but you would never hear him carrying on about slugging down Palisades Pineapple American Wheat Ale’s with pineapple and apricot flavor.

Holy cow!

Remember when the expensive beer was Heineken, one of the few imports? Michelob was not cheap either but was great. Coors Banquet Beer was like an import until the 1980’s if you lived in eastern states, as they would not distribute beyond Texas. There was also Olympia’s Kegger 55, Mickey’s wide mouth, and Little King’s Ale, in a 7-ounce bottle. For a stout beer, give me a Guinness. They have been brewing since 1759 so they must be doing something right. Of course, there is always Black and Tan, made up of Guinness and Bass. Harp can be substituted for Harp, thus making it a Half and Half. No fancy descriptions. Just pour and drink.

Now, I’m not against craft beer and don’t think that extra hops are stupid, not even the beer named Hop Stoopid (didn’t make that up either). As a beer drinker, I am in favor of good beer entering the market. I just have not found an easy way to recognize them and am not thrilled with assorted items from the farmer’s market mixed in with my beer. Unless, of course, the only other option is Miller 64, and the vegetables need watering.

This column originally appeared in the Times, a Shaw publication.