Fatherhood

It seems appropriate that I got the idea for this column the day after Father’s Day. After all, Dads are occasionally a bit tardy with certain tasks and need reminders from their loved ones (wives) to get them completed.

Every homeowner can create a list of things that need to be done, as all homes require on-going maintenance. But “need” can be such an ambiguous word.

To clarify, when a finger is cut off, you need to go to the doctor. When screens need to be washed it’s more of a “want”. Sometimes a “want” can get downgraded to “I’ll get to it”.

“I’ll get to it” comes with an implied “no set date of start or completion”. Alas, some tasks just get categorized as “never going to get done”. There is no known explanation for this. Sadly, as discovered by super intelligent male medical professionals worldwide, there is no cure.

The jiggling handle on the toilet? It will get fixed just before the family comes over for Thanksgiving. The cabinet handle missing a screw? Sometimes the remaining screw can create enough balance for it to go unnoticed.

Creating rationale for not taking on a task is a skilled trade for some.

Like painting. Some brushes are made from animal hair. Therefore, painting might result in the illegal slaughter of millions of innocent puppies and kittens. Possibly baby seals. That cannot be supported. At least not this weekend.

Sometimes there is a genuine dilemma. The older siblings accidentally throw a snowball through the window of the baby’s room on a bitter cold day. Broken windows and kids happen all the time.

However, it’s a Sunday and your favorite pro football team is playing. Simple solution. Conduct an exhaustive search everywhere in the baby’s room for another blanket. Put a wool sock on his/her head for added warmth.

You don’t miss the game. Baby learns survival techniques. Truly a win-win.

Experience is the teacher and we are the students. Even if many of us got “A’s” in a course called learning the hard way. Dads face interesting challenges. “I don’t need help”, becomes a constant state of mind. Instructions? Ha. We can get this done. Especially with an endless assortment of “how to” videos on YouTube.

However, DNA and other yet undiscovered internal mechanisms simply block us from following advice sometimes and we cannot be held accountable for resulting miscues. I vividly recall one such instance.

As a young Dad, I had no experience changing diapers. My wife warned me to always keep our son covered, as the open air would produce a predictable response. After a bath, while on his changing table, a diaper was needed. The diaper bag was only a few steps out of reach.

Deftly calculating three seconds needed to snatch a diaper and return, it appeared to be no problem. Nevertheless, as if on command, junior fired away. A ferocious stream sailed over his smiling face and into my left ear. Stunned, I attempted to stop said stream with the tip of my index finger, which if it had worked, could have caused a plumbing disaster for him.

Immediate action was needed before my wife found out. Cleaned the area and re-bathed little Mikey. Changed my shirt and washed up, vigorously scrubbing my ear. Kept a towel in my back pocket until the boys were teenagers after that.

Admittedly, father doesn’t always know best. It’s a tough realization.

So, the counterpunch to “I told you so” is selective hearing. The complex nature of the male brain filters out potentially unwanted messages.

For instance, upon returning from the grocery store, a spouse may ask for help carrying bags from the car. But it is possible that we heard “why don’t you go out with your buddies tonight while I stay home alone. Call me if you need a ride, no matter how late.”

A spouse’s inability to choose anti-confusing verbiage falls directly on them.

One such instance occurred with our dear friends, Janice and Steve. Janice, who was making soup, needed bay leaves as part of the recipe. Steve gladly volunteered to go to the store to help. Much to his dismay though, Janice became upset when she pulled out a bottle of Bailey’s from the lone bag he brought home.

Obviously, her instructions were unclear. How was he supposed to know she was making non-alcoholic soup?

Then there are the basement and the garage, the two last guy areas in the house. Can we please just have these places in peace? Sometimes there are aggravating requests to clean them or even bold suggestions to throw things away. Dispose of hockey sticks from 1979 because “they never get used”? Do we demand that the striped “occasional chair” gets pitched because it’s only used occasionally? Fair is fair.

In fairness then, I will concede that we need to listen more and procrastinate less.

This is something I promise to work on. Right after the Law and Order: SVU marathon.

This column originally appeared in the Times, a Shaw publication.